Preamble: The ins and outs of fathering a boy and learning of twins.

Welcome to my blog.  I've been active on social media and internet message boards for over a decade now, but this is my first journey into the blogging world.  I started this blog under the encouragement of a few friends.  It seems that I have an interesting perspective on things and my sense of humor interjects itself well with life's many struggles.  As a person, I try not to take things too seriously, and when life gets too serious.... I go out of my way to get it back to normal.  I often consider this to be a personality flaw, some thinks it makes me 'special'.  And yes, there is more than one way to take that.  When times get tough, the things I say or do can come across as insensitive, rude, and occasionally obscene. Let it be known, that isn't who I am as a person, its just the way I deal with things, it is my coping mechanism.

Now, let me dig into why I am here and why I hope you are reading this and provide some more background on my life.  My wife and I met in 1999 on Kelleys Island, Ohio.  At that time both of us had reached a major turning point in our lives.   We were both looking for the same thing.... nothing...an escape...a disconnect from our recent past.  We didn't know it at the time, but what it was we really needed was something completely different.... We needed each other.  Good thing for us, it didn't take long to realize it.  Married in 2002, it took us a few more years to get caught up from all of the "looking for nothing" we had done.  Our paths to the future were still foggy with a long road to a college education in front of us.  Persistence (and a lot of arguing, bickering, and finger pointing) ultimately landed us with college degrees and stable careers.

So what to do with all of our newly found free time?  Lets make a baby!  Children had always been on our radar... but the radar wasn't always turned on.   We had talked it over plenty of times and we knew we wanted at least one, but it just never seemed to be the right time (now knowing there is no such thing as 'the right time').  It was in August of 2008, my wife and I on a Maryland beach soaking up the sun, when we finally made the decision to toss the pills in the trash.  We hadn't actually actually decided to TRY to have a child... but we knew the time had come to begin a family.  Due to some past medical conditions, family history, our ages (now well into our 30's), and a plethora of other friends and family who took longer than they would have liked to conceive, we were expecting a long road to welcoming our first born into the world.  Though that wasn't the plan God had for us, and we welcomed our first born into the world a little more than 10 months later.  I blame it on my super sperm.

We had never made a decision if we were going to be a "one-and-done" family or not.  I had my boy to hunt with, to fish wish, to share a first beer with.  My wife and a wonderful son who loved her to pieces.  Nothing in our lives felt empty or needing any more than what we had.  We were a family, and a happy one at that.

As time went on however, our perspective changed.  We watched as my sister raised a herd of boys and my many cousins adding enough children to the mix to play a full court basketball game with spares on the bench.  Most of our neighbors had one or two and added another themselves.  It didn't take long for my wife and I to see that he love those kids had for their brothers and sisters was vacant from our house.  Once again, it took a weekend vacation (regretfully in Shittsburgh) to finally draw us into making the final decision.  The ovulation calendar just so happened to line up with the days immediatley following our trip so we made the best of that week,  I was strutting through the neighborhood with a smile from ear to ear already looking forward to next month when we got to try again.

Once again.... God had another plan.  4 weeks later my wife called me into the bathroom to show me a pile of pregnancy tests strewn over the counter all with "+"'s  on them, once again my super sperm took the crown.  Of course we were ecstatic, (though another month or two of "trying" wouldn't have been all THAT bad) we were also up to the challenge.  Our confidence was high, we had done well with the first,  and he was almost 5 years old.  Not that he could actually do much... but the luxury of having a child that could fix his own snacks, bathe himself, entertain himself, and clean up his own messes was an advantage we felt we had over other parents who had been feeding us horror stories of raising two that were much closer in age.

A few weeks later we were in the prenatal ward preparing to get the first sounds of our second's heart.  We heard what we expected, a tiny beating heart.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't listening for two heartbeats.  There was only one, quick sigh of relief.  It was a quick visit, my wife cried tears of joy, I smiled until my cheeks hurt.  Doctor asked a few questions, went over a few things that were new to us as it had been half a decade since we did it last.  She also went over the increased risks that we faced considering my wife's "advanced age" (over 35 under 40... we'll leave it at that).  It was then when some reality started to sink in. 

We had always known that age was a risk factor in pregnancies, but it never really seems like a big deal.  Doctors seem to have a way to bringing you into check.  At age 25, the risk of down syndrome is 1 in 1,250.  At 30, 1 in 1,000.  At 40, 1 in 100.  We were presented all of the facts... and the facts scared the shit out of us.  We were scheduled for our first exam with the high risk specialist a few weeks later.

The next few weeks we were pretty hush-hush.  Due to our concerns about the increased risks, we simply weren't ready to start breaking the news.  Only a few close family and friends had any idea we were even trying to have our second, let alone were already expecting.  At 12 weeks we were in for our (I know... I keep saying "our" like we are both carrying a baby.. I just like saying it... let me go with it) first exam. 

The purpose of that exam was to do some preliminary screening for early signs of complications and  chromosomal abnormalities.  The results of the exam left us with the shock of our life. 

Our shock came right out of the gate.  The ultra sound tech lubed up my wife's abdomen and went right to town peering inside.  My wife and I were happy, hand in hand staring at the wall mounted monitor excited to get our first look at our baby.  We saw what looked like head, looked like a hand, looked like a leg... it really was amazing.

It wasn't more than a dozen or so seconds into the exam when the tech finally spoke.  "Well, I'm going to tell you what I see already.  There are two babies in there.  You are having twins."  The Earth stopped.  "No, you're kidding", my wife said.  The tech assured us, "I'm a doctor, I'm not allowed to 'kid'".  My wife turned to me, "I hate you" (Don't take it out of context... she can have a rude sense of humor too).  The next few minutes mostly consisted of me coping by making smart ass comments and my wife crying with ... well..... lets just go with "joy", yeah... she was crying with "joy".  The doctor took a series of stills, labeled them "Twin A" and "Twin B", took some measurements and printed us out a sheet of images big enough to pass as a wholesale club receipt, and left the room.

We both pretty much just sat there in disbelief holding each others hand.  "Well.... looks like we know when we will be getting that new car" I said.  "Yeah" she replied.  A lot of thinking was going on, still can't say for sure what was in her mind.  My mind was mostly filled with words...that I wasn't allowed to say until I was 18.

10 minutes or so later the doctor came in and took a seat.  I remember his face being blank, not what I was hoping for.  Could have used a little smile right then.  He dove right into what the ultra sound revealed.  The twins, he told us, were "monochorionic-diamnionic." meaning that they were sharing a placenta, but each had their own amniotic sac.  He explained that this is not the worst case, but it isn't best either.  Since they had their own sacs, they were in no danger of their cords crossing (This would be mono-mono twins which only occur in 1% of pregnancies and have a 50% chance of being fatal to at least one twin), but since they are sharing a placenta, they do run about a 15-20% chance of having shared blood vessels between umbilical cords which results in one of the twins basically starving out the other.  This is referred to as Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, ttts.  If one starves out the other and it dies, it could result in a spike in blood pressure that would then kill the other.  He assured us that it is a highly treatable condition, we just need to make sure that if it happens, we catch it early.  He was also able to tell us that since they are mono-di twins, we can say for certain that they are identical.

The doctor then left us with the good news.... the only news we were expecting to get when we first walked in the door.  The Nuchal Translucency test ('NT Test" which measures the size of the fluid sack behind the neck) that would give an early indication of chromosomal abnormalities were fine.  Great!!!! Finally some good news to help us sleep better.  "But, this test isn't 100%" the doctor continued.  This test misses approximately 20% of cases of down syndrome."  "Since we already know that they are identical, if one of them has down syndrome, so does the other".  Well now..... that's an easy pill to swallow.... twins with down syndrome. 

He next advised us of further testing that could be done to get a better idea.  He suggested a noninvasive prenatal test (NIPT) which measures protien levels in the blood that can give a better indication of there being risks of genetic abnormalities, heart problems, and preterm birth.  It would also tell us the gender (which wouldn't be possible if they weren't identical).  My wife was quick to ask the doctor to order the blood work for the test. 

For those of you with inquisitive minds... I'll answer this right away.  Our decision to have this second test done had nothing to do with any decisions involving termination of the pregnancy.  We knew going into the doctors office that day that we were going to love what God blessed us with.... down syndrome or not.... or twins with down syndrome or not (even though that thought had never actually crossed our minds.)  The only reason we requested the secondary testing was because if we were having a down child, we wanted to be able to prepare ourselves for the challenges that parents of down children have... finding support groups, doing research, etc.

His last words to us did soften the news.  He finally smiled and said that he understands that there is a lot of weight on our shoulders and not to worry.  Even with all of the risks and possibilities, its very likely that everything will be just fine.  The doctor left us with the infamous, "do you have any more questions?"... which of course we didn't.... those don't come until after you take 4 steps out of his office.

From the office we went to the lab to have the blood work for the NIPT.  I called my family and gave them the good news.  They were all elated.... which didn't sit well with me because I was still wondering what the hell had just happened.  I wanted sympathy, I wanted assurance that everything was going to be okay, I wanted them to be there with me.  When the blood work was done, we went home. 

We had each left work early that day, so we drove separately.  We had a trip to Kelleys Island planned for the weekend so I needed to stop and get some supplies and my wife needed to pick up our son.  My drive home took much longer than expected....traffic was bad, mostly because I was driving 55 in a 65 zone oblivious to the world.  As I was pulling into the development, my wife called... "Ummmm... are you coming home?"  The irrational logic set in and it had struck her that after the news.... I had gone on the lamb.  I guess I can't blame her.

At this point, there was no sense in keeping the secret anymore.  I shared the news with my neighbors.... which was met with laughter.    I shared the news with my cousins... also met with laughter (and texted message saying 'You're fucked if they are girls' followed by a barrage of scantily clad twin women in provocative poses)  I shared the news with a few old friends from the ferry boat line on the ride to the island... more laughter.  WTF... "why is everyone mocking me?" That first day I was genuinely offended by people's response to the news.  It didn't take me long to realize that their laughter was justified.  They were laughing because of how rough it was going to be.... and I'm laughing about it now too.  I've seen them in Walmart, I've read their comments on the internet, and I've heard of their stories through the grape vine.  There are some real dick bags of parents out there with twins... and if they can do it... then it should be a piece of cake for me ( which is fitting because cake really isn't my favorite thing).

That first weekend was rough.  I was physically at our island vacation home, but my mind was still stuck back in that doctors office.  Two cribs.... two car seats.... double for daycare.... twice the crying... twice diapers.... twice, double, twice, double, twice, double..... AHHHHH.  Double of everything.... but time and money.

The days following that got better.  Things got easier to accept, the "I can do this" attitude began to set in, and I was much more confident than the past Friday when I melted into my chair in the doctors office.  I could see my wife was taking it better too.  She joked, "at one point, I wasn't even sure I wanted one kid... and now I've got three"  .

What still lingered however, was the NIPT results.  Having a normal NT test, at this point, our chances of having an abnormality were are about 1 in 800 (my guestimate from reading the internet... take that for what its worth).  Great odds... but still not great enough.  We were also eager to learn the sex of the babies (of course you already know from the title of this blog)  Were we going to have 3 boys, or a boy and twin girls.  Was my wife going to be out numbered as she has been for the past 5 years or was it going to be me?  I know its cliche, but I don't think I really cared.  Raising twin teenage girls scares the shit out of me.... and it still does.  But snuggling up to daddy's little girl has always been something I admired and one day hoped to experience myself.   Three boys seemed like the easy route.... more scrapes and bruies, but less drama.  I can deal with blood... drama, not so much.  15 days after the blood work went in (yes, we counted every one of them) my wife got the call.  Test results were negative for abnormalities and we were having girls.  Highlight that one as the best day in a long time.

Since that day (was only a week ago) not much as changed.  We've tested some new 7 passenger SUV's and finally decided on one.  I got ahold of some car seats and learned that I'll be able to fit 3  seats across the back seat of my truck.... which is a huge relief because I was NOT looking forward to having to get two vehicles.  We've got the extra bedrooms sorted out and ready to ditch all the boy clothes we have been holding onto in a garage sale.  And we are both back to getting a decent amount a sleep at night... stock up while we can, right?  All in all.... life is getting back to normal... at least as normal as it ever will be again.

And that brings us up to today....