"Not Until We Are Married"

"Now you don't have to worry about one penis, you'll have thousands to worry about" ~ Comment left to me on Facebook from someone who just learned that I will be having twin girls.

Dick bag comment?  Sure.
Should I be offended?  Probably.
Am I? Not the least.....

As abrasive (and totally expected from that particular person) of a comment that may be... there is a lot of truth in it.  Up until the age of about 13, boys only have one thing on their mind..... hitting a home run in Little League.  Then one day he learns of this magical thing called a "vagina" and every thing changes.  The next 70 years of our lives are spent trying to trick women into giving it to us.  Men are horn balls;  my grandpa was a horn ball... my dad was a horn ball....God knows I was... okay... am.... a horn ball too.  Its been that way for millions of years...it will be that way for millions more.

Now that we've established the precedence and are going into it knowing there is no way to avoid the barrage of, "Everybody's doin' it",  "My last girlfriend did it",  "I swear I won't show the pictures to anyone else", "Common... I'll just put the tip in" they will receive.... how do you make sure they possess the emotional fortitude to make the right decisions?

The first thing that comes to mind:  "By taking time out of every single day to instill sound values and moral judgement".  The second thing that comes to mind is: "Well that's a bullshit cliche if I've ever heard one".  I vividly recall driving home from the Homecoming dance trying to ignore the sound of socks squeaking against the window as my friend threw it to that sweet innocent 'girl next door' who's parents had taken a little bit of time out of every single day to instill sound values and moral judgement.  I could see in the rear view mirror how well that worked out.

If you've been following this post expecting an answer as to how I'm going to make sure my daughters don't end up getting taken advantage of.... I've got some bad news for you.  I don't have an answer.  Anyone who thinks they DO have an answer is kidding themselves and will probably have a daughter that kids herself too.  I've been to high school....I know what teenagers do.   I'm not so naive as to believe that as long as I follow some nonsensical tips I get out of  "Parents" magazine about morals and values that my daughters will put a stop to their boyfriends when they try to round second base. I have no way to know if its going to happen or not.  I suppose I could hope.... but hope in one hand, shit in the other and see which fills up first, right? 

So let's look at that quote again.  "Now you don't have to worry about one penis, you'll have thousands to worry about".  The word in that phrase that scares the shit out of dad's is "penis".  I look at that quote and the word that scares the shit out of me is "worry".  The last thing that I want is to be worrying.  I don't want to be worrying about my son snapping his femur like a twig.  I don't want to be worrying if my wife is pissed that I'm in the front yard having a few too many beers with my neighbor.  And I sure as hell don't want to be worrying that some half-whited prick is fumbling around with my daughters bra clasp in the back seat of a Ford Festiva.

What I can answer, however, is how I'm going to prevent myself from going bat shit crazy trying to keep boys off my daughters.  I'm going to focus on being a good dad and a good husband and do the best I can and not worry about it. Worrying doesn't make it any better and it won't make me a better parent.  Oh.... and I'll carry around a shotgun, and wear a "Who Farted?" hat when I pick them up from school.  I hear that works too.

.... now, how in the hell am I going to trick my wife into having sex with me tonight?